No, we're not gonna' get all touchy-feely, but we are gonna' talk about emotions, feelings, and why emotional maturity is critical for leaders. Along with countering the stigma, my goal is to help those who might be missing out, as I was for years.
In our culture, men are often taught that feelings and emotions are for women—like they’re some kind of gendered feature that got left out of the male firmware. It’s an asinine concept, but it’s deeply ingrained in our culture. The result? A lot of guys grow up with a combination of simple lack of awareness and learned behavior that tells them to suppress, ignore, or mock emotions. Lack of awareness isn't manly; it's immature.
(This article is framed from my perspective; however, maturity is for us all, not just men.)
Here’s the thing: emotions aren’t gendered. They’re human. And ignoring them isn’t just unhelpful—it’s like running a system with all interrupts masked. You’re missing critical signals, red flags, and messages that are calling for your attention because they’re important. Your lived experience is telling you something you should recognize; are you paying attention?
For technical leaders, this is especially important. Emotional awareness isn’t just about personal growth—it’s a practical skill that helps you navigate team dynamics, detect problems early, and adapt to situations with finesse. Let’s dive in.
Feelings vs. Emotions
Feelings and emotions are often used interchangeably, but they’re as different as a stack trace and a core dump. Emotions are the raw, physiological responses created by the body—your brain’s way of throwing an exception or raising a flag in response to something. Feelings, on the other hand, are your conscious interpretation of those signals.
For example, when your boss says, “We need to talk,” your emotion might be fear (fight-or-flight response), but your feeling could be anxiety, dread, or even curiosity. Understanding this difference is the first step to emotional root cause analysis.
The Interrupt Analogy: Your Feelings Are Like IRQs
Think of your feelings like a computer’s interrupt request (IRQ). It’s a signal that something needs attention. Sure, you can mask it temporarily—bury it under a mountain of “not important” and “It’s whatever”—but ignore it long enough, and you’ll miss critical information.
Ignoring a feeling is like ignoring a SIGTERM. You might think you’re fine, but eventually, the system will escalate to SIGKILL. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.
Example: The Sarah Torres Technique
I once asked my networking group how they identify their weaknesses. Sarah Torres shared an answer that impressed me. She said:
Be aware of your self-rationalization and defensiveness when you’re introspecting or asking yourself what happened. There’s something behind the defensiveness, and you need to peel that back. I’m most aware of when I’ve messed up when I describe it to someone I deeply respect. I can feel the twinge of panic or emotion, and that’s my signal to look deeper. When I feel the twinge, I know I need to investigate.
This is next-level emotional maturity and intelligence. It’s not just about acknowledging feelings—it’s about using them as a diagnostic tool. How can you compete fully when you're missing information pertinent to your experience?
The real question is: How easy is it to self-coach into this kind of introspection? The answer: It’s a skill, not a talent. Start by paying attention to those “twinges” when they happen. They’re your interrupt signals, telling you to dig deeper. Anxiety often stems from a buildup of these unaddressed signals. At some point, something needs to be done.
Why This Matters for Technical Leaders
Emotional awareness isn’t just a “soft skill”—it’s a critical tool for navigating the complexities of leadership. Here’s why:
It's about People: The higher up in the org you are, the more you focus on people rather than technology or process. This helps you better understand yourself and others.
Detecting What’s Unsaid: Your team might tell you everything is fine, but if you’re paying attention, you’ll sense when something’s off. It’s like noticing a subtle spike in CPU usage—something’s running in the background, and it’s worth investigating.
Spotting Malicious Compliance or Cynicism: When people are disengaged or resentful, they might not say it outright. But if you’re tuned into emotional signals, you’ll pick up on the tension, sarcasm, or lack of enthusiasm. It’s like catching an error log before it becomes a full-blown outage.
Reading the Room: You can feel tension in a person or a group. This background knowledge helps you adapt your approach, whether it’s lightening the mood, addressing concerns, or giving people space.
Avoiding Pain and Loss: Ignoring emotional signals can lead to catastrophic failures—broken trust, team burnout, or even losing top talent. By paying attention to the “interrupts,” you can address issues early and avoid unnecessary pain.
It stops you from being caught blindsided by life. Really? You really didn't see that coming? Yeah, you did. You just ignored it.
Emotional Awareness: World-class Observability
If you’re running a distributed system, you don’t rely solely on the end-user to report issues; you have logs, metrics, and tracing to catch problems early, signals from the environment. Emotional awareness is like having world-class observability for your brain. It’s the ability to recognize and understand your state in real-time, identify their triggers, and address them before they spiral out of control. We can break down what Sarah said it down into something actionable ("ACK")—cute, right?—
Acknowledge the signal. (Notice the interrupt firing.)
Contextualize the emotion. (Figure out what it’s trying to tell you.)
Keep moving. (Address it and adapt without letting it derail you.)
When addressing your emotions, it’s important to speak for them, not from them. Speaking for your emotions means acknowledging and articulating them calmly and constructively: “I’m feeling frustrated because Jenkins broke again.” Speaking from your emotions, however, might look like: “Jenkins sucks, and I’m gonna lose it if it happens one more time!” The former approach keeps you in control and puts you on a path to a solution, while the latter risks escalating conflict or making the situation worse. Emotional maturity is about ensuring your emotions inform your decisions—not dictate them.
A Personal Anecdote
I'm writing about this because this plagued me and I missed a lot. I prided myself on being a purely logical leader. But when my executive coach asked me, “How do you feel?” I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even identify the emotion. This triggered introspection. How could I claim to lead effectively if I lacked that much self-awareness? That moment was a turning point for me.
Why You Should Care
Improved Relationships: Emotional awareness is like adding logging to your interactions. It helps you communicate clearly, resolve conflicts, and build stronger connections.
Better Decision-Making: Emotions influence your choices. By understanding them, you can make decisions based on logic, not just vibes.
Reduced Stress: Acknowledging your feelings is like garbage collection for your brain. It clears out the clutter and keeps things running smoothly.
Enhanced Self-Control: Emotional awareness helps you avoid those “I regret everything” moments when you lose your cool.
So here’s my challenge: This week, pay attention to your interrupts. When you feel the twinge of frustration, excitement, or discomfort, don’t dismiss it. Dig deeper. Debug your brain, speak for your emotions, and use them to inform your leadership. You don’t need to overhaul your personality—just start small, and you’ll see the results. After all, you wouldn’t ignore an error log in production. Why ignore your emotions?
And remember: it’s okay to feel your feelings. Just don’t let them SIGSEGV your life.